Sept 16, 2017
Today’s devotional is teaching us about our heart. It is the controller of our inner body as the brain is to our physical body. If you have a loving heart you might be a very kind person to everyone, even before you except Christ in your heart. Sadly just having a kind giving heart is not enough, we can never get to heaven being a good person. No one is good enough to enter without Christ in their heart. However if you have a hard heart that is closed off and cold you will have a hard time finding happiness even when you do except Christ. The kind of person we are as a natural state shines through whatever we desire to be in our head.
In my head I strive to be the most like Christ as I can every day. My loving heart makes it so much easier. I have compassion for the sick or elderly. I see a baby and my heart melts. That is my heart.
Yesterday I had the most amazing answer to my heart. I am the type of person who loves completely. Raised to think if you love others you put their needs first always. It is extremely rare that I would ever buy something for myself. When out in the real world which is extremely rare, I see things to purchase for those I love. I am thinking of them and want to do anything I can to make their life easier or happier in some way. I demonstrate my love constantly. Growing up I and my sister were raised by my Grandmother till I was 10. She loved completely. You never doubted her love. Later when I lived with my father and step Mom, I was one of 5 kids and not the baby and I never felt loved. My flaws were pointed out and it hurt. I know they were trying to make me what they considered to be a more dignified woman. As I began to loose the parental figures in my life, first my Step dad, followed 3mths later by my Daddy. Then over time I lost my mother and then finally my Step Mom recently. Each time I grieved the loss of them in my life, but I mostly grieved that I didn’t feel like I had ever broken through the barrier to their heart and felt like they loved me. It hurt me most profoundly when I lost my Mom recently because it was the last parental figure and there was never going to be a chance that I would feel loved. Now I have the absolutely most amazing husband in the world. Christ shines in his heart and he loves me completely, even when I don’t deserve it. I have always felt I could never be worthy of his love. As I was mourning my Mom it felt I had never done enough for them to love me. I didn’t do enough, or care enough or something as I didn’t feel like they loved me, like I did them. Throughout my life I have searched for love so desperately. It is very clear to see now. The same with my children, I didn’t know why they kept a distance or a wall up and just didnt let me in and love me like I loved them. Now I didn’t want my kids to be hurt the way I was as a child. I knew I would always be there for them. I raised them to be independent people, who were assured of themselves, and their worth. I see it clearly now, what I have been so blind to for my life. I was truly so down and grieving that I told my husband and meant it completely, I wanted God to just take me home. I was nothing but a burden to this wonderful man I was married to and I didn’t want to hold him back from enjoying life as he should. I felt like my children came around on holidays out of obligation and when here they talk to one another, and rarely talk with me. I felt like they didn’t really love me. Then yesterday God opened my eyes. I was reading prayer request in a group I belong to and praying as I read along and there was a woman who asked for prayer. She didn’t feel loved she had low self esteem, dealt with health problems and felt a burden to those who do care for her. I prayed for her and then it was plain as day. I shared with her that it isn’t that those you love do not love you in return, they just love in a different way. Their hearts are not full of love gushing out to everyone they come into contact with. They just dont demonstrate their love like we do. I explained that she was so worthy of their love. God loved her and she was very special to Him. That God uses hearts this full of love to minister to other people who need to feel loved. I was completely speaking to myself every bit as much as to her. I finished my post and gave it more thought and even talked to hubby about it. For the first time in years, I felt loved. My children and parental figures just don’t show it the way I do. Hubby said that is because my children have always had a complete love and total sacrifice from me, they just tend to forget how good they have it. They love their Mom, just have no idea how much I just wanted to be loved. A yr ago today my son married. His wife has a heart like my own. She constantly does for others. She seeks love like I have my whole life. She goes out of her way to text me and check in a few times a week and would do anything in her power to help someone. I taught her to crochet and she has made an Afghan for everyone in the family. My girls all know as well as my grand daughter how to crochet, but they don’t spend their spare time crocheting for those they love much less for strangers they will never meet the way I do for the babies in the NICU. That is my demonstrative heart showing love. I pray for these babies I will never lay eyes on. So God gave me the answer to my life long quest. He showed me I am enough, and I am needed, they just don’t have that type of demonstrative love that I do. It’s ok though because God needs all kinds of hearts and love in this world. Some are afraid of being hurt so they don’t let all their walls down. Some have already been hurt badly and feel covered in scars. They need love most of all. I truly hope this revelation that God gave me will help others like it has me. I feel so loved today and I want everyone to feel that. God is the most amazing love we could imagine. All we have to do is open our eyes and see it.
Thanks for letting me ramble on today. I do appreciate you sharing part of your day with me please enjoy this devotional from His Victorious Indwelling: